Tag: Sabby

This diary entry is part 1 of 30 in Lily's diary dated 06 - December 2021

Hi!  It’s me!  Lily!

I’m just a girl.  A semi-normal, half-Japanese, mostly bubbly and cheerful and happy girl.  I don’t worry about things like politics and the stock market and taking the kids to school and all the kinds of things that people older than me deal with.  How am I supposed to deal with all of this?  It feels like every time I’ve recovered from one thing, another hits me. Just one thing after another after another.  How am I supposed to bear it?

It’s hard.  It’s really hard.  And it’s a different kind of hard.  With Jack, it was an easy kind of hard.  I fell in love and had to leave him.  Incredible joy and a waterfall of tears.  But this is more… subtle.  It just is.  I have a birth mother.  She hurt me in ways I didn’t even know, and yet, she cared enough to keep me.  Why?  Why did she only care just that much?  I guess it’s something I have to ask her.

I gave Sabby her chocolate shake.  She accepted it and thanked me.  Otherwise, she didn’t talk to me last night.  We went to bed, and I didn’t sleep very well.  I hated the fact that I hurt her so badly.  I didn’t mean to.  Of course I know that she lost her parents, and of course I know it affected her deeply.  But sometimes you don’t think of those things!  Sometimes you just get blinded by your own hurt and that’s the only thing that exists.  And you realize too late that someone else has feelings too, and you just stepped on them.  But this morning she did talk to me.  She told me that I hurt her, and she was wrong.

She told me she was wrong because even though I said something insensitive, she shouldn’t have reacted so harshly.

I said she was right to.  She said, no, she wasn’t.  She said it was understandable, but that’s a different thing from being right.Her feelings towards her parents are her problem, not mine.

Well, maybe.  I still hurt her.

Anyway, we hugged it out, and i’m still sad about it.  She was supposed to be my rock, and I find out she’s just as fragile as I am!

I’m just sad.  Just… just so sad.  I had to leave Jack and then I found out my birth mother abandoned me and… and…  and I can’t handle it.  I don’t even have any tears left.  Sabby tells me she thinks I’m depressed.  I’ve never been depressed before.  She might be right.  My birth mother abandoned me!  She didn’t want me!  How am I supposed to not be depressed??  I was prepared for a lot.  But not that.  I was never prepared for that.

I think I’m going to go stare at a wall now.

Love you all…  ❤️

This diary entry is part 32 of 32 in Lily's diary dated 05 - November 2021

Hi!  It’s me!  Lily!

Or am I Yuriko?

Or both?  Or neither?

Today, I think, will be a day for reflection.

I was looking back at some of my old diary entries.  I remember one where I was in a great mood, I was dancing around in my seat, calling people willy nilly silly billies, just having a great time.  I didn’t know my name, didn’t know who I was, everything before my finding day was an utter blank.  And yesterday some of that mystery was solved.  I found out I’m a half-Japanese girl named Yuriko, that my birthday is September 3rd, that my birth mother is named Emiko, and… and…  it’s really such a let down.

Maybe I didn’t want to find out who I really was.

Before I knew who I was, I could think anything I wanted about my past.  Maybe I came from another dimension and dropped here out of a rift in the sky, and all my memories are in the other dimension.  Maybe I was born in a test tube in a government agency, and they wiped my memory when they were done with me.  So many different possibilities, and yesterday I find out that it was so much worse than all that, so much more normal – my birth mother was pregnant, had me, couldn’t take care of me, and abandoned me.

I’d almost rather not have known.

I don’t know why she left me, I don’t know why she hurt me like that.  What would life have been like with her?  Maybe good, maybe bad, but I don’t know.  And I’ll never know because she took that away from me!  My own birth mother left me!

And I know I found Dave and Sabby and my new family and I love them to death but my birth mother is supposed to be mine, and instead I found out that she’s not, she gave me up, she didn’t want me.  Me!  I’m so cute!  Who wouldn’t want me!  Well, except for maybe the cat.  I’d say “was it my fault?” but I was an infant!  It wasn’t my fault!  It couldn’t have been my fault!  Could it?

I hate her!  I hate her and wish I’d never known!  I wish they’d never came to my door and told me!

Be careful what you wish for, they say, you just might get it.

Maybe she had a good reason.  The rational part of me understands that being a single mother having a child in the middle of an evacuation couldn’t be an easy thing no matter what.  The rational part of me understands that maybe she didn’t feel like she had much of a choice, and maybe she thought she was doing the best for me.  The rational part of me understands that she might have been young, and who knows what was going on with my birth father, and maybe she decided that that was the best thing to do.  And maybe she was right.

And I still hate her.

Emiko Nakamoto.  The woman who ruined my life before it even started.

Sabby talked to me today.  She could see the bitterness start to take hold.  She could hear the hatred in my voice when I talked about Emiko.  She told me that having those kinds of feelings never lead to anything good.  I told her she’s not the one whose mother abandoned her!  And then I immediately regretted it.  But the hurt on Sabby’s face…

I’ll never forget that.

She went to her room and took a bath.  She’s never done that because of me.  Never ever.  Afterwards she sat me down and told me in clipped, measured tones that her parents did indeed abandon her and that she spent her childhood in foster homes and that there was a reason why she was a “wild” child and that she understands that I’m hurt and having a hard time processing that I found my birth mother but don’t I ever dare to assume that she doesn’t understand what it feels like to be abandoned by parents.

I actually burst out crying and told her I was so sorry.  She told me she understood but I had hurt her very deeply, and that this is what having these feelings of anger and resentment and hatred leads to, and that I’d better check myself before I cause actual damage I can’t easily repair.  That she’d get over it but I only had one chance to get to know my birth mother and I’d better not wreck it because I can’t get past my own hatred.  Then she walked upstairs.  I’ve never seen her look so…   hurt.  And doubly so because of me.

I messed up.  And I still hate Emiko Nakamoto.

But you know what?  Emiko Nakamoto doesn’t exist anymore.  She’s Emiko Johnson now.  She apparently married at some point, and not Robert Landry.  Does she have children?  Did she give any of them up?  She seems to want to talk to me.  Does she regret it?  If she had it to do over again, would she?  I don’t know.  I hate someone that doesn’t exist anymore.  Would I like her now?  Would we get along?  Could I even treat her as a friend, if not as someone I could be close to?  I don’t know.  And if I keep this up, I never will.

I hate Emiko Nakamoto.  Emiko Nakamoto is gone now.  Would I like Emiko Johnson?   I don’t know.  But I guess there’s only one way to find out.

Now I need to go buy Sabby a chocolate milkshake.

Love you all!!! ❤️

 

This diary entry is part 31 of 32 in Lily's diary dated 05 - November 2021

Hi!  It’s me!  Lily! 

I think.

So it started out as a pretty normal day.  I woke up.  I was feeling a lot better, I think I’m getting used to the new normal.  Jack and I talked a lot last night.  Things are going just a little better for him.  Apparently his parents marched over to the school, demanded to see the principal, and read her the riot act.  She tried to defend the bullies, but that didn’t fly.  It’s not clear how it’s going to turn out, but it’s certainly starting to be different.  I still miss his arms, but he’s sooo nice to talk to.  I could get used to that.

So, anyway, I ran.  I ate breakfast – I got used to the hotel buffets, but Sabby still makes a mean breakfast.  I started school.  Around noon there was a knock on the door.  Sabby went to answer it.  A few seconds later she called me down into the living room.  I signed off my lesson and went down to see what was the matter.

One of my old social workers was sitting there.

I hadn’t seen them for a while.  They closed my case when I was officially adopted, other than a few checkups every now and then, they were content that I was happily adopted and were perfectly willing to leave me alone.  She had a serious look on her face, well, what you could see around the mask.  And she had some papers.

“What… what’s going on?”, I asked.  I was nervous now.

“Sit down, please,” she said.  “You too, Mrs. Smith.”

We sat.

“So, as you may or may not know, our DNA databases are incomplete.  We have data on many people in this country, but not everyone.  You also know that we haven’t had very good matches on your DNA, and those who are closest don’t know anything about you.”  She paused.  “We found out why.”

I gasped.  “You…”

“A few days ago, we had a hit.  A very close match.  Someone uploaded results into our database that would make them a very close relative.  Because of our interest in finding out who you really are, we were able to pull the records and contact this person.”

She leaned closer.

“Lily…  We found your mother.”

Tears spring to my eyes unbidden.  “You… you found…”

“There’s more,” she said.  “After talking to her, we were finally able to find out what happened.  She was a single mother, pregnant with you, in New Orleans, at around the time Hurricane Katrina hit, in 2005.  She evacuated to Houston, where she had you.  She was unable to take care of you, and put you up for adoption very soon after.  You were adopted shortly after.  The records on that are unclear.  We don’t know by whom.  Yet, anyway.”  She had a frown in her voice.  “That could take a long time to unravel.  There are some… irregularities.”  She shook her head, like clearing out some cobwebs.

She handed me some papers.  “Your mother’s name is Emiko Johnson.  Your birthday is September 3, 2005.  Your father’s name is Robert Landry.  He doesn’t know about you, which explains why those who were a close match didn’t know who you were.  Mrs. Johnson is a Japanese immigrant, maiden name Nakamoto, and that’s why we didn’t have sufficient records to match on her DNA until now.  Your given name is Yuriko Landry.  Her phone number and address are on these papers.  Of course, it’s your choice as to whether to contact her or not, but she is hoping to hear from you.”

She stood up.  “I understand all of this may be a shock.  We’re still working on finding out who adopted you.  Some of us have taken a personal interest in this case.”  She sighed.  “You are most unusual.  Please call me if you have any questions.”  She handed me a business card.  “Have a nice day.”

She let herself out.

I didn’t move.  Finally Sabby stood up, sat down next to me, and wrapped her arms around me.  I just started bawling.

I didn’t know everything yet.  I didn’t know who adopted me.  I didn’t know why I lost my memory.  But I knew who I was.

I have a name.

I have a name.

OMG I have a name.

Finally I collected myself enough to read the papers.  Sabby read them along with me.  I’m half Japanese!!  I know who my mother is!  I..

I looked at Sabby.

“I want to meet her,” I said.  “I want to know why she abandoned me.  I want to know why she left me.  I want to…  I need to know.”

Sabby nodded.  “I understand.  Where does it say she lives?”

“Houston,” I said, looking at the paper.

“Do you want to call, or should I?”

I handed her the papers.  “Please call.  If you want to.  I don’t… I don’t know if I can handle it right now.”

She took the papers.  I looked at her with tears in my eyes.  “Sabby…  she abandoned me.  I don’t know why.  Maybe she’ll have a good reason.  Maybe I can forgive her.  Maybe…  maybe we can have a relationship.  But…  but you are here, now.  She isn’t.”

“I feel like I’m saying this a lot,” she said quietly, “but don’t worry about school for the rest of the day.  This… this is a lot.  Do you still want to be called Lily?”

I nodded vigorously.  “Yes.  I chose Lily.  I didn’t choose Yuriko.  It’s a pretty name.  I don’t mind it.  I’ll use it when I need to.  But I’m Lily.  And my last name is Smith.  It will always be Smith.”

Sabby frowned.  “I need to call the lawyer too.  I don’t know if this complicates things or not.”

“Do you… do you think it will affect my adoption?”

“I don’t think so.  But it looks like you were adopted by someone else, who might or might not have abandoned you.  There’s… there’s nothing normal about this.  And you were also issued a birth certificate and SSN, which is now… incorrect.  I’m not sure what to do.”

“Well, I’m sure they’ll figure it out,” I said, frowning.  Great.  Another wildcard.

I went upstairs and grabbed my phone.  I texted Jack.

Jack?  I have big news.

No response.  I guess he was at school.  I knew he’d text me later.

I told Beth the news.  She was happy for me, but she hoped she could still be my sister.  I told her she’s being a silly billy, of course she’s my sister.  She asked me if I would have other siblings.  I said I don’t know, but I don’t know them, and I know her, and they’re not going to take her place.

In the evening, Jack texted me back.  I told him everything.

wow, he said.  that’s a lot.

It is.

Are you going to meet her?

Sabby is making the arrangements now.

I hope…  I hope you find the answers you were looking for.

Me too, I said eruditely.  I’ll keep you up to date.  Love you.

Love you too, he said.

And then I texted Liz.

Girl can move.  And fast.  I had barely hit send on the text when she barged into my room.  “OMG you found out who your mother is and found out who you are?  That’s BIG NEWS Lily!  And you’re half Japanese too!!!  Wow!!!  Are you going to meet her?”

I nodded.  “I want to find out why she abandoned me.”

Her face turned serious.  “I would too.  But what if she has a good answer?”

I sighed.  “Then I’ll have to forgive her, I guess.”

“It doesn’t sound like you want to.”

“I haven’t known who I am for over a year and it’s her fault!!!  It’s all her fault!,” I said, with venom.  “I wouldn’t be in this situation if it weren’t for her… for her selfishness!!!”

Liz looked taken aback.  “I’ve never seen you… angry.  I mean actually angry.”

“I am!  How am I supposed to feel?  Social worker just waltzes into my house and tells me my birth mother didn’t want me, and she wants to talk to me, and… and…  GGRRRRRR!” I growled and buried my face in my pillow.  “I could scream!”

“Well a pillow is a good place to do it,” she said sagely.  I giggled in spite of myself.  Liz had a way with words.

“I’ll talk to her,” I said finally.  “I’ll listen.  I’ll keep an open mind.  And she’d better have a good answer.  If she doesn’t, that will be the last time I ever speak to her.  And what about my fa – Robert?  He never even knew about me to begin with?  How am I supposed to approach that?”

“You’re strong,” she said.  “You’ll do the right thing.  Maybe she regrets it.  Maybe she didn’t feel like she had a choice.” She frowned.  “A mother generally doesn’t give up a child without a very good reason.”

“I hope so,” I said.  “I don’t want to hate her.”

Sabby knocked on the door.  “I talked to Mrs. Johnson,” she said.  “She will come here.  This weekend.  She will come alone.  She’s promised to answer any question you have.  Are you okay with that?”

“No,” I said, truthfully.  “But I need to know.  I’ve been waiting a long time for answers.  And that’s the least she owes me.”

“I’ll make the arrangements then,” she said.  “Are you going to be okay?”

“No,” I said, again truthfully.  “After last week, and then this week, maybe I’ll never be okay again.”

Liz rubbed my back.  “You will,” she said.  “That’s what makes you Lily.”

“I wonder what ‘yuriko’ means,” I said quietly.

“Maybe ask her,” Liz said.  “She promised to answer all of your questions.”

“I think I will.”  Liz gave me a big hug.  We chatted a little bit about Jack before she had to go back to her house for dinner.

After Liz left, I looked up Katrina on YouTube.  It was horrible.  Hundreds of thousands of people displaced or evacuated.  A stadium full to the brim of evacuees.  Thousands of homes destroyed and flooded out.  And a lot of people evacuated to Houston.

Including my birth mother.

My birth mother.

My birth mother.

OMG.  I have a birthday.  You know what this means?  I thought I was 15 when I was found.  I was 14.  Not that it matters, but it’s good to finally know.

Oh well.  Worst case, nothing – or at least very little – changes.  At least we know I’m a citizen now.  Best case – I get a whole new set of family to add on to all of the other family I’ve collected over the past year or so.  I guess it could be lots worse.

Love you all!!! ❤️

This diary entry is part 30 of 32 in Lily's diary dated 05 - November 2021

Hi!  It’s me!  Lily!

I’m feeling a little better today.  I cried myself to sleep a little but I was able to sleep, and I had okay dreams.  No nightmares or anything like that.  The cat decided to crawl up and sleep next to me, and she rarely does that, so that was nice.  I don’t talk much about the cat.  We get along.  She washes her butt and plays with stuff and scratches things, and sometimes crawls on your lap and purrs.  Just a cat.  Her name is Cat.  They let David name her.

I guess it fits.

So I went to work this morning, after running.  Back to the daily grind.  The owner was very happy to see me and put me right to work.  He did see something in my eyes, though and asked me what was wrong.  I gave him a very brief version.

He thought for a bit, and said “You’re young.  Remember.  Love is a choice.  In India we had arranged marriages.  That’s how I met my wife.  And we love each other.  We have for years.  She chose to love me and I chose to love her.  It was hard work, but it happened.  If you choose to love each other, nothing will tear you apart.  Not distance, not beliefs, nothing.  But if you don’t, then everything will.  You have to decide how badly you want it.  Both of you.”

I thanked him, and went off to doot doot and stock shelves and do all the stuff that you do at that job.  He’s a little different, but he’s a nice enough guy.  He always tries to take care of us – it’s like we’re his extended family.  We take care of him, he takes care of us.  Oh, I had a little souvenir for him that I bought.  He appreciated it and put it on his desk.

It was a little harder to be cheerful and bubbly but I managed it.  I was a little meaner to the occasional karen than usual, though.  The owner just stood there and smirked.  He hates karens as much as everyone else.  Of course, there’s a limit to how mean I’m allowed to be.  And that’s fair.  Karens are people too.

Even if they try their best not to act like it sometimes.

After I got home, Sabby sat me down.

“I don’t think I’ve ever told you how I met Dave, did I?”

I shook my head.  “I figured you’d tell me when you wanted me to know.”

“You can ask me anything, Lily.  Dave too.  The worst we’ll say is we don’t want to talk about it.  But you’re always welcome to ask.”

I nodded.  She looked pensive.

“I told you I was a wild child,” she said sadly.  “When I was your age, I had a few boyfriends.  I didn’t… I didn’t make the kinds of decisions you did.  My foster parents were always there for me, but they didn’t tell me the things I told you.  I was always out, drinking, doing other things that weren’t good for me.  It was a very… dark… time of my life, Lily.  I had no reason to live and I was just trying to get from one day to the next.”

I sat and let her continue.  Emotions were warring on her face.  I guess some things don’t ever truly go away, just dull with time.

“I met this boy, though.  He seemed to have it together.  He got good grades in school, was quiet, kept to himself.  Something about him attracted me, and I wanted to make him another one of my boyfriends.”  She paused.  “He refused.”

“He refused?”

“Yeah,” she said, quietly.  “He told me he thought I was beautiful and that he was truly sorry for all the things that had happened to me, but he didn’t want the kind of life I was heading for.”  She shifted in her seat.  “Do you remember when I said I was faced with a choice?  Whether to stay with the past or to move on to the future?”

I nodded.

“He was that choice.”

My breath hitched.  “Really?”

She nodded.  “I had to choose.  Should I go for the life I had, or the life I wanted?  And what kind of life did I want anyway?  Thankfully he never completely closed the door.  He just said that he didn’t want the kind of life I was heading for.”  She sniffled a bit.  “So I dumped all of my boyfriends.  I stopped drinking and doing other things.  I started taking school seriously.  It was hard.  One of the hardest things I’ve ever done.  But…  but he noticed.  And eventually he agreed to go on a date with me.”  Her eyes were far away.  “He was wonderful.  Everything I’d ever dreamed.  And soon I’d fallen for him.  Hard.  But he hadn’t fallen for me, yet.  He was still cautious.  He didn’t know if I’d go back to the life I had before I met him.”

She sighed.  “He was right to be.  But he came around eventually.  And he was worth it.  He’s not a perfect man, Lily.  He’s got his faults, just like you and me and everyone else.  But I fell in love with him at your age, and I never fell out of love with him.  It’s been years now.  We have two… three children and a nice house and he’s still everything to me.  I love him just as deeply.  Maybe more.”

I stayed silent.  It was a nice story, but I didn’t know where she was going with it.

“He was worth everything I gave up.  Absolutely everything.  All the boyfriends, all the drinking, everything.  He was worth more than all of that.  Someday, Lily, you’re going to have to decide what someone’s worth to you.  Maybe Jack.  Maybe someone else.  But there is no relationship at all that is without sacrifice, without giving something up.  There’s always a price.  And if he’s worth the price, whoever he is, pay it.  Pay it and don’t look back.”  She sighed.  “But whether he’s worth the price, and what the price is, is something only you can decide for yourself.”

“How did you get so wise, Sabby?  You were sooo right about.. about earlier.  I didn’t know how right you were.  I couldn’t.  How?”

She sighed.  “School of hard knocks.  I did everything wrong before I did everything right.  You’ll understand that in time too.  I told you, you made better decisions than… than I did.”

I believed her.  I would have believed nearly anything she told me at that point.  Before she’d earned my respect, but now she’d earned my trust.

“I think God every day that Dave gave me a chance.  A chance to prove to him I was willing to pay the price to be with him.  And what I didn’t know was that in paying the price, I was freeing myself as well.  Sometimes that happens, Lily.”  She sighed.  “Sometimes you think you’re paying a price but what you’re giving up was already costing you far more.”

She patted my knee.

“What do you want for dinner?  Your choice.  Spaghetti, spaghetti, or spaghetti?”

I pretended to think.  “How about spaghetti?”

“That’s a great idea, Lily.  I hadn’t thought of that.”  And she went off to make spaghetti.  I didn’t mind.  She makes the best spaghetti ever.  With meat sauce and lots of parmesan and mushrooms and OMG is it good.

I had Sabby on my side.  She knows things.  She is my rock.  And I love her.  But now I more than love her.  I trust her.

After dinner I asked Dave if I could talk to him.

“Sabby told me how you two met.”

He nodded.

“I have a question.  She told me she had a bunch of boyfriends and wasn’t… behaving well.  But eventually you came around and fell for her too.  What made you give her a chance?”

He looked thoughtful.  “You don’t ask easy questions, do you, Lily?”

I chuckled.  “The easy questions aren’t worth asking, are they?”

“I suppose not,” he said.  He leaned back in his favorite chair, and thought for a bit.  “People are complicated, Lily.  Some are just rotten through and through.  You peel away their rotten layer and all you find is more rot.  But some people are just rotten on the surface.  They have this layer of horrible hurt and pain and they act out and lash out and behave in horribly irresponsible ways.  You’d think they were awful people.  But then you look deeper and you find out that they’re actually really wonderful people and no one’s bothered to dig deep enough to see that.”

I nodded.  I’d seen Sabby’s chewy center.  I wouldn’t call what she has on the surface “rot”, but then, I didn’t know her back then either.  She’d described some truly self-destructive behavior.

“You can’t ignore the rot.  It’s there and it will get you hurt.  But if they see the rot too, and if they want to work at getting rid of the rot, and you’re willing to wait for them to get their act together, well, maybe what’s underneath it is worth it.”  He paused.  “It was for Sabby.  She turned out to be this wonderful woman who just wanted what everyone else wants in life.  Someone to love, someone to love her, a little security, a little happiness…” He looked wistful.  “And when she realized that, then, well, I could work with that.”

“When did you know realize you loved her?”

He looked wistful.  “We were on a date,” he said.  “I told her she’d changed.  That she used to be this wild girl who was always out with boys and drinking and…  she wasn’t doing that anymore.  I asked her what made her change?  What made her get her act together?  She looked at me and there was the most vulnerable look in her eyes, one I’d never seen in them before.  And she said that I was worth giving all of that up for.  Sometimes people just say something, and you know they mean it with all their heart, and it just penetrates right through all your defenses and you’re left utterly speechless.”  He paused.  “That was one of those moments.  When I knew she really did love me.  Even if she didn’t know it herself, necessarily.”  He looked wistful.  “I saw something in her that night that I hadn’t seen before.  And I wanted to do anything, anything at all, to see it in her eyes again.  That’s when I knew I’d fallen for her.”

I thought of Jack, and some of the things he’d said to me, the things that made me melt and my breath hitch and my heart jump out of my chest, and I thought I knew what he meant.  It’s not what Jack said.  It’s how he said it.  When I knew he meant it with every fiber of his being, when the look in his eyes promised nothing but truth and love.

“What do you think of Jack?”, I said.

“Never met the boy,” he said.  “I hope he doesn’t hurt you.  But from what you’ve described and what Sabby’s told me, he could be the real deal.”  He paused.  “If he is the real deal – only you can decide that – but if he is…  don’t let him go.  Some things are worth fighting for.”  He leaned back in his chair.  “Sabby fought for me.  She thought I was worth it.  And years later, and two – no, three – kids later, I am so glad she did.”

I hugged Dave, thanked him, and walked up the stairs to my room, lost in thought.  Is he the real deal?  I don’t know.  It’s only been a week.  I don’t think it’s fair to either of us to try to make that call just yet.

But he could be.  He could be.  And that’s worth putting some effort into.  Dontcha think??

I’m not going to relate all of the conversations that Jack and I have from now on.  It’ll just get repetitive to talk about how we make virtual googy eyes at each other.  But we talked about what Beth had said, about him being able to come visit every now and then.  He hadn’t thought of that either.  Frankly, I think both of us were so caught up in the whole “Florida being far away from both of us” and “dramatic Romeo and Juliet” thing that we’d forgotten that Liz and her parents were just a few houses down, and they actually come to visit every now and then.  We’d still have to work at it.  It still might be difficult.  And it might not even work.  But it doesn’t seem quite as hopeless as before.  For either of us.

Maybe someday I’ll be in his arms again.  I can’t wait.

He’s not my boyfriend.  I’m not his girlfriend.  Yet.  But if that time comes…  I’d say yes without any reservation at all.

I did go over to Liz’s house for a little while to thank her parents.  Her father was getting ready for a business trip, but I told them how much I appreciated them taking me along with them.  I know that makes them a bit uncomfortable but I really had to say it.  It was one of the best times of my life and it wouldn’t have happened without them.  I gave them a hug and spent a little time with Liz, too.  She told me all about the guy behind the front desk.  He was a dud, but she did get her first kiss, and while it wasn’t earth shattering, it was about what she expected for a vacation romance.

After all, every girl needs a vacation romance once in her life, right?

Love you all! ❤️

This diary entry is part 29 of 32 in Lily's diary dated 05 - November 2021

Hi!  It’s me!  Lily!

I had a wonderful time in Orlando.  It was the best time ever, and I am so grateful to Liz’s parents for bringing me along.  No matter how much I’m hurting right now, I wouldn’t have traded any of it for the world.  Not anything.  But that doesn’t change how I’m feeling right now.

I didn’t sleep very well.  This morning I went to run, and my heart wasn’t in it.  Jack came around, and I stopped running.  We just went to an unused corner of the lobby and cried and kissed and said goodbye and my heart just shattered into little tiny pieces.  I didn’t eat much breakfast.  After breakfast, Jack and his family had to go – they were driving back to Ohio.  I hugged Grace and told her I was sooo happy to meet her.  She saw the tears in my eyes.

“Why cry, auntie Lily?”, she said.

I sniffed and wiped my eyes.  “I’ll miss you all.”

She sniffed.  “I’ll mith you too.”

I hugged her parents as well and told them it was nice to meet them.  I haven’t mentioned them much here but they’re nice people.

I walked over to Jack and took his hand.   My lower lip was trembling, and it was all I could do not to cry.  “Don’t forget your promise,” I said.

“I won’t,” he said quietly.  He kissed me softly.  Then they walked out the door.

I waited until he was out of sight. I kept it together.  Somehow.

We all went and packed up.  I felt like a robot.  We took the car back to the airport, and I couldn’t even enjoy the flight.  But I kept it together.  We all took a car back to our houses.  I walked in the door, and there was Sabby.  She said nothing but extended her arms.

I couldn’t help it.  I grabbed her like my life depended on it and started to wail.

She just patted my back and let me cry it out.  I couldn’t say one coherent word.  I just blubbered and babbled and I was lucky if I got any words out before I just started to wail again.  My heart was shattered, just as I thought it would be.  Into little tiny pieces that tinkled on the floor and made discordant noises and I didn’t think it would ever be put back together again.

Sabby just said, simply.  “I warned you.”

I sniffled.  “You did, I didn’t understand, I thought I did but I didn’t and now I do and it hurts worse than anything I’ve ever felt and I don’t know how it’s ever going to be any better and I love him Sabby!  I love him I love him and it hurts!”  I started wailing again.

She helped me to my room and put me under the covers.  I felt someone crawl in with me and wrap their arms around me.  It was Beth.  I turned around and buried my head in her chest, and cried and cried.  She didn’t say anything, but I was soooo grateful for her presence.

Soon, I had no more tears left. And I still cried.

I finally fell asleep.  Still crying.

I woke a couple of hours later and the room was quiet.  Beth had left.  There was a chocolate milkshake next to me, on the nightstand.  And a note in Sabby’s handwriting.

“When you want to talk, I’m here.”

I sniffled and went downstairs.  Sabby was at the kitchen table.

I sat down and sipped on my milkshake.  Sometimes chocolate really did help.  This was one of those times.

“This is when it’s really hard to be a parent,” she said softly.  “There are times when you want nothing more than to be able to take the pain away, or even take it on yourself, and sometimes you can’t. This is one of those times where I can’t.”

I just looked down at the table.

“I tried to warn you,” she said.  “I tried to prepare you.  I think I did as good a job as I could have.  But…  you had to learn this one on your own.  I could only do what I did.”

“Are you upset at me, Sabby?”

“Oh, no, Lily.  Not at all.  You made better decisions than I did at your age.  I just…  I hurt for you, Lily.”

I took another sip.  “Be my rock, Sabby.  Please.  I need a rock right now.”

“Always,” she said.  I gave her a hug, grabbed my milkshake and went upstairs.

There was a text on my phone.

Lily?

It was Jack.

Jack?

It seemed such a silly response.

We’re staying over in Charlotte tonight.  I miss you so much.

I miss you too, Jack.  I will always remember our promise.

I paused.

Lycoris Radiata, I said.

???

Red Spider Lily.  Maybe we’ll meet again.  Maybe what we have together will die.  But maybe it will grow.  Become something different.  Be better.

There was a pause.

Let’s keep our hearts open.

I’d like that.  How are you holding up?  I cried my eyes out when I got home but I think I got it out of my system.

My parents and I had a long talk in the car.  We had nothing but time and Grace was asleep.  I guess my uncle had a long talk with my parents.  They said they had made a lot of mistakes with Zhi Ruo, I mean Liz.  He was afraid they were making the same mistakes.  With me.

And?

They asked me how things were at school, and wanted me to be honest this time.  So I told them.  I told them everything.  I think they listened this time.

I hope it gets better for you.

Me too.  Thank you, Lily.

For what?

There was a pause.  No matter what happens with us, my life will always be better because of you.

And that has to be the sweetest thing anyone’s ever said to me.  Boy, girl, cat, whatever.  I melted, but for a whole different reason than the last week.

Keep talking like that and I might make some promises I won’t regret.

There was a pause.  Promise?

I giggled.  The first time I’d giggled since last night.  I love you, I typed back.  And I meant it.

There was another pause.  A longer one.  I love you too, Lily.

I sniffed.  It still hurt.  It hurt terribly.  I would have given anything to be back in his arms.  But life went on.  That chapter of our relationship is closed, but maybe a different, better chapter just opened.  Maybe.  But one thing is for sure.  My life will never be the same.  Ever.

There was a knock at my door.  It was Beth.  She opened it slowly and walked in.  She sat down on the bed next to where I was laying.  I put down my phone.

“I was jealous,” she said without preamble.  “But then you walked in the door and fell apart.  I’ve only seen you like this one or two times.  What happened?”

I sniffed.  “I fell in love.”  I paused.  “My heart is broken.”

She was quiet.  “Is that what Mom was warning us about?”

I nodded.  “I didn’t understand.  I thought I understood.  I thought I had it under control.  I thought with her warning I could keep it under control.”  I sniffed again.  “I was wrong.  That boy…  by the end that boy had utter control of my heart and I was glad to give it to him.  Beth,”  I said, “Falling in love is the most wonderful and awful and maddening and beautiful and incredible and terrible thing ever.  You’re too young.  I’m too young.  Sabby was right.  About all of it.  She was sooo right…”

“What does it feel like?,” She asked.  “To love, and…  this?”

“It’s the most wonderful feeling in the world,” I said wistfully.  “It’s like there’s a piece of my heart that I didn’t know was missing, and he holds that piece, and when it fit in I was finally complete.  When he touched me, it was… it was like it was just him and me and nothing else in the world mattered.”

Beth looked wistful too.

“And now I’d give anything, anything at all, to feel his touch again.  It hurts sooo much that he’s gone and I may never see him again.”  I sniffled.  “I can’t describe the pain.  It’s like a piece of myself is gone.”

“But you’re no stranger to having pieces of yourself gone,” Beth said slowly. “And why so dramatic?  His relatives live just down the street.  You think he’ll never come to visit?”

My jaw dropped. Why didn’t I think of that?! OMG am I being an overdramatic teenager?  What’s wrong with me!  He has a reason to come here someday!!!  And about the pieces…  She was right.  Everything turned out alright.  And maybe I’ll even get those pieces of myself back someday.  My memories.  Maybe even Jack.  The future’s not written yet.

“I guess I was being a bit dramatic, ” I said, my face beet red.  “I don’t know why I didn’t think of that.  That really helps. Thank you.”  I gave her a big hug, then I sipped on my milkshake.  “Tell me about your trip with Sabby.”

And she did.  She showed off her makeover, and showed me some of the new outfits she got, and she chattered and jabbered and if it were a movie the voices would fade out and the music would swell as the camera view receded out the window.  It’s not a movie.   I mean, who’d write this?  But thank God that Beth brings a sense of normalcy back to my life.  She looks very good with her makeover, and I think she and Sabby bonded a bit more.  I’m happy for her.

Oh, and it’s fish for dinner tonight.  Apparently Dave and David had a banner trip fishing.  They brought home what seemed to be the entire lake.  That’s alright.  Sabby makes wonderful fish.

I know Jack reads this.  At least I hope he keeps reading this.  I love you, Jack.  I’ll always love you.  I’ll never not love you.  I hope someday it all works out.  But even if it doesn’t, never, ever forget that.  Maybe someday you’ll meet Beth, and Dave, and Sabby, and Dave will give you that famous talk about not hurting his daughter, and Sabby will stuff you full of comfort food, and Beth will be jealous until she grows to like you and sees you like a brother.  And maybe we’ll get married someday and have a house and children and all of the things that a girl like me and a boy like you dream about.  Maybe all that will happen.  Maybe it won’t.  But I’ll never, ever not love you.

But even if it doesn’t work out and we go our separate ways, It was a wonderful week.  The most wonderful, amazing, incredible week a girl could ever hope for, and thank you (and Liz and her parents, of course) for giving it to me.

On to the next adventure.  Whatever that is.  I hope this one is quiet and relaxing.

Love you all!!! ❤️

 

This diary entry is part 24 of 32 in Lily's diary dated 05 - November 2021

HI!  IT’S ME!  LILY!

As with last time, there is a subscriber-only content in this post which has a little more detail geared towards teenagers and young adults.  This one is for younger readers.  As always, though, parents please do read first!

Such a confused Lily.

So last night after I wrote my post, I did my nightly stuff, got into my pajamas, and went to bed  Liz was already in bed and snoring in the other bed.  She’s even pretty when she sleeps!  It’s not fair!  It wasn’t too late, but it was a long day.

I was just settling in when my phone buzzed.  I looked at it, and there was a message.

Lily?

It was Jack!  OMG!!!  I forgot that we exchanged contact info that morning!

It’s me, I typed back.

There was a long pause.

Can we talk?

In the morning, I replied.

There was another pause.  Okay.  Goodnight.

Goodnight, I replied.  I put the phone down, turned out the light. and was asleep within seconds.

That morning, before my run, I texted Jack.

I’m in the lobby.  Come see me if you want to talk.

There was no reply, but five minutes later I felt someone sit down next to me.

“Hi,” he said, quietly.

“Hi,” I said.  My hands fidgeted in my lap.

“My father had a long talk with me last night.”

“Liz’s mother had a talk with me, too.”

He was quiet.

I couldn’t stand it anymore and the words just started gushing.  “I’m sorry Jack I know we just met but I’m so attracted to you and I don’t know why and I know it’s not love but I loved our time last night and I don’t want it to end and Sabby warned me and…”  a tear leaked out of my eye.  “I didn’t mean for this to happen.”  I wiped the tear away with the back of my hand and sniffled.

There appeared to be a war going on in Jack’s face.  So many different expressions were battling with each other.  Finally he turned his head and looked at me.  He looked just as uncomfortable as I felt.

“I didn’t either, Lily.  I’ve thought you were amazing since the first time I laid eyes on you.  There’s… just something about you.”  He sighed.  “This is so awkward.”

I giggled.  “Why would we think it’d be anything but?  Would it be like one of those books my sister is always reading, where the boy and the girl just see each other and it’s love at first sight and a year later they’re getting married?”  I scoffed.  “I don’t think it works like that.”

He took my hand and rubbed the back of it with his thumb.  If he did that much more I was going to just melt.

“There’s something here,” he said.  “Maybe nothing, maybe something, maybe everything.”  He looked at me, his eyes boring into mine.  “I’d like to find out.”

OMG.  His eyes.  His…  EEP!  He put his finger under my chin, lifted it, and pecked me on the lips.  Nothing deep, just a peck…  and it was everything.  He pulled his face back, and let go of my hand.  “I’d like to find out,” he repeated, then he stood up and went off to the exercise room.

I don’t think I moved for like five minutes, my mind was whirling and everything was spinning around all topsy-turvy, and you could have hit me with a feather and I’d have fallen over.  Finally I shook my head and ran off to the exercise room.  I had to get my exercise for the day.

Somehow I pulled myself together in time for breakfast.  Grace was a wonderful distraction anyway, she had another waffle that her mother had cut into little bites and put some fruit and syrup on it, and she was shoveling it down like an excavator on a construction site (how’s that for an analogy?). Between bites she was chattering on and on about all of the characters she met the day before.  Apparently she ran into Gaston and gave him a piece of her mind!  All the adults were laughing but she defended Belle’s honor like you wouldn’t believe!  Belle even came over and thanked her, but promised she had Gaston well in hand.  There’s no fury like an angry four year old!

After breakfast we went back to Disney World. This would be our last day there, but everyone agreed that one day wasn’t enough to see the whole thing.  This time Grace’s parents wanted a little time to themselves, so she was put in the care of me, Liz, and Jack.  As we walked around the park, she was chattering and bouncing around everywhere.  Every time she saw a character she liked she insisted  on going to talk to it.  We got her some ice cream (choc’late, of course) and she ate her ice cream and chattered and was just having a grand time.  A part of me was jealous, actually.  To her, the park was magic, it was real, and I didn’t remember any of that magic in my own life.

Jack could tell something was bothering me.  He didn’t know what, but he squeezed my hand anyway.  I gave him a grateful look.

This time we just had whatever lunch we felt like having.  So the four of us found a little fast food place and had some (honestly pretty good) burgers.  Grace got a kid’s meal, and was bubbling and burbling with happiness as she munched.

As we walked the park, I could tell Grace was getting tired, so I picked her up.  She fell asleep in my arms!  How adorable!  I had Jack call his parents and find a place to meet them so we could hand her off.  That accomplished, the sun was setting and it was time for the fireworks again.  Yet again, Liz had to use the bathroom, and I was seriously starting to think she was doing it on purpose.  Spoiler:   She absolutely was.

As the fireworks were popping off, he looked at me.  “Lily, do you remember this morning?”

“How could I forget?  You kissed me!  I couldn’t concentrate after that!  I… mmmmmmm.”  He kissed me again.

This time it wasn’t a peck.  It was a real, honest to goodness kiss.

It was soooo nice.  Finally, I laid my head on his shoulder and he stroked my hair.  It felt soooooo good.

“Lily?,” he said, quietly.

“Hmm?,” I said, my power of speech quite handily taken away from me.

“That was my first kiss.”

“Mine too.”

“Was it good?”

I chuckled and disentangled myself from him.  “Jack, I know for a fact I will remember that kiss for the rest of my life.”

He reached up and moved a stray wisp of hair out of my eye.  “So will I.”

The fireworks had just ended and Liz came running up.  “Hey!  Are you –  YOU KISSED, DIDN’T YOU?”

We both blushed mightily.

“YOU DID!!!!!  OMG!!!  Was it good?  Lily, you have to tell me all about it!!!”

I looked helplessly at Jack.  “It’s a girl thing,” I said apologetically.  He just waved his hand.

“Girls gonna girl,” he said sagely.  All of us cracked up.

Before we stood up, I whispered in Jack’s ear, “It was a wonderful kiss.  If you want to kiss me again…  I think I’d like that.”

He squeezed my hand and we both stood up.  We found the adults and took the shuttle back to the hotel.  We had a nice dinner, and then Liz went to practice violin.  Jack and I just sat in the lobby.  He held my hand but we didn’t dare kiss there.  We just talked.  We talked about everything.  I told him about what happened after I was found, and how Dave and Sabby adopted me, how Liz became my friend, and how Beth became my sister.  He told me how he was bullied in school, and had a few girls he liked but none of them like him, and how sad and lonely he was sometimes.  At one point during his story I gave him a hug.  He looked genuinely uncomfortable.

Turns out he doesn’t get many hugs.

I resolved to help him make up for lost time, at least for the next few days.  And I was going to talk to Liz’s parents about that too.

I showed him where to find this site.  That was a gamble on my part.  But I’m going to make it available to the public, at least I can make it available to my first crush.

Finally, it was time for us to go back to our rooms.  He walked me to mine.  He took my hand and gave me a very brief, gentle, but meaningful kiss.  Then he went off to his room.

I felt like I was floating.  Floating on air.  It was such a wonderful feeling.  He kissed me!  And we talked, and got to know each other, and…  it was soooo wonderful!  Why do I not want a boyfriend again?  I don’t remember!  Something about wanting to know who I am?  I still feel that way, but… but…  it’s so amazing!

Liz came in a little while later and demanded to know everything.  So we talked and giggled and I felt so much like a girl.  Like a real bona fide normal loved girl.

I called Sabby before bedtime and we chatted.  I told her everything.  She was a little concerned but told me that she knew I’d make the right decisions and that she trusts me.  She also told me that she was happy for me.  Every girl needs to have at least one vacation romance in her life, and she thinks I picked a good one.

So do I.

Goodnight!  Tomorrow we’re doing something different!!! 

LOVE YOU ALL!!!! ❤️ 

This diary entry is part 22 of 32 in Lily's diary dated 05 - November 2021

Hi!  It’s me!  Lily!

Florida Lily!!!

OMG do I have so much to tell you!!!  If this isn’t a long post I’ll eat my sunglasses!  And they’re not made of chocolate either!!!

So after I wrote the post this morning, the plane showed up and after some ruckus, we all boarded.  OMG they got business class!  I guess Lily’s father does a lot of travelling and had some miles to burn!!!  It was SO COMFORTABLE!!!  They gave us free drinks (alcoholic for Liz’s parents – they drank very little though, we got some nice fruit drinks) and it was a great way to fly the first time!!!  Anyway, we got on the plane, and I was so scared but so excited!!!  Finally the door closed and the plane started moving backwards, and those huge engines started!  Beth would have loved it!  Liz was chatting my ear off about bleed air and compressors and light-off (she’s so smart!) but I was just taking in the whole experience.  The flight attendants were telling us what to do if the plane crashes.  I listened but it was so dark!

So the plane started moving and went at low speed for a few minutes, then it turned and those engines just went for it.  Holy…  was it a rush!!!  We went really fast and then the plane just lifted!!!

It was a short flight so they didn’t give us food but we got snacks and the views out the windows were amazing!  All those beautiful popcorn clouds!

The landing was so stressful!  I could feel the plane dropping, even though it was a gentle drop.  Finally the ground rushed up and we hit!  We were safe!  We taxied to the gate.  It’s amazing how the energy changes once you land.  People turning their phones on and chatting to their friends or loved ones, and we got off the plane.  In Orlando there’s a tram you can take to the actual airport from the gate, it was soo cool!  Then we got a car and went to get some brunch.  We had a nice meal (it turns out on vacation the Tangs will eat stuff that’s a little more American, I guess the Chinese food is just what they prefer to make) and then went to the hotel.

OMG what a nice hotel!!!!  Everything was shiny and gleaming, and they have a nice pool and everything!!!  After Liz and I settled into our room (we got one room, and her parents got the other) I decided to take a nap.  Liz did too.  We were soo tired!  But after the nap we put on our swimsuits and went down to the pool!!!  It was sooooo fun!!!  Wish Allison was here, she would have loved that pool!!!

At dinnertime we all went out to eat, we had sushi!!!  Liz’s father told me that Chinese food and Japanese food aren’t really the same, but they’re kind of similar – emphasis on seafood and rice, and kind of light and savory.  We pigged out on sushi!  I got to know Liz’s parents a little better.  They’re nice people.  They were telling me how their parents emigrated from China when they were little, and they had to become naturalized citizens.  They’re afraid to go to China right now because of the way things are, but they still have family there and talk as much as they can.  It turns out Liz’s Father can speak a little Japanese!  He has to go there sometimes for work!  That’s the first time I’ve ever seen Liz confused, when he and I had a very basic conversation!  I’ll have to practice with him sometimes!

Anyway, after we got back, OMG do I have news!  It’s big news!  Remember when I learned that I knew martial arts?  That kind of big news!  So Liz was trying to find a place to practice her violin, and she asked the front desk staff if they had a room for that.  Turned out that in such a fancy hotel, they did.  There was a little room with a piano and a music stand.  So she set up and I sat down at the piano and… 

And started playing.

I’ve never played the piano before!  I don’t remember it!  But I played it!  Liz’s mouth dropped to the ground, and she grabbed her phone and video called Sabby and said “Sabby you have GOT to listen to this!.”

I was just amazed I could play.  I mean, what???

Sabby started squealing!!!  I could hear her through the phone.  Things like “OMG she can play the piano?”  and “What else can she do?” and then I heard Dave and Beth.  Dave said “Well, I’ll be,” and Beth said “that’s cool,” and was quiet.  I heard Sabby start to berate Beth and their voices got more distant.  Sigh.  Then Sabby came back and said “Call me later.  Seriously, Lily.  OMG.”  Then Liz said goodbye and hung up.

Liz pulled out her violin, then grabbed some sheet music and plopped it in front of me.  “Can you read this?”, she asked.

“I don’t know,” I said.  I was actually really confused.  These things just keep happening to me.

Turned out I could.  And we did a really nice duet.  One of the front desk people, a nice looking young guy, quietly walked in and listened.

After I was done, he said “That was beautiful.”  I don’t think he was just talking about the music, from the way he was looking at Liz.  “How long have you played together?”

I sighed.  “I didn’t even know I could play before today.”

His mouth dropped open too.  He shook his head bemusedly and left.  I think he thought I was lying.  Liz looked after him with an unreadable look.  She looked a bit flustered.

Yet another thing to explore.

Anyway, I let her get to practicing after promising her I’d do duets with her.  It turns out that while she never held it against me, she felt that her love of music and my inability to play it was something we didn’t have in common and it was hard for her to relate to me or feel that I could relate to her.  She was so happy!!!  I put my swimsuit back on and sat in the hot tub for a while with Liz’s parents.  Liz’s mother is actually really pretty – kind of petite, but nicely proportioned.   I can see where Liz gets her beauty from.  I told her mother that and, well, her face wasn’t the only thing that blushed!  It was so cute!  Her father put his arm around her and said that he was a very lucky man, and her blush got even deeper.  I hope I find someone like him someday!

As we got out of the hot tub, a family approached.  There were two Chinese adults, a boy about my age, and a little girl about four years old.  The boy was…  ummm… hot.  He was a little shorter than me, but with wild black hair and a little smirk that looked so mischievous.  I suddenly felt so warm, even though I had just gotten out of the hot tub and was in my swimsuit.  He looked at me, and I could tell he was very carefully keeping his eyes on my face after stealing a quick glance at the rest of my body.  Oh no.  He thinks I’m hot too.  Oh NO OH NO OH NO!!!

Liz’s father introduced us.  The boy’s name was Jack.  No wonder Liz had a smirk when she talked about him!  She knew!!!  She is in so much trouble…  calm, Lily.  Calm.  The little girl is named Grace, and she is just the cutest thing I’ve ever seen!  I told her my name was Lily and she said “Li…ly?  Lily!  Auntie Lily!”  I just melted.  Oh my God I even forgot about Jack for a moment!  I love her already!

Jack was just looking at me, his eyes were unreadable.  Finally he spoke.  “She likes you, Lily.  You must be alright.”

I looked at him.  “Thanks… so are you…”  STUPID STUPID STUPID.  He just smirked and followed his family back to their room.  He turned back to look at me, and smiled.  I flushed.  Oh no.

When I got back to the room I changed into my PJs and waited for Liz.  When she came in I smacked her arm.

“YOU KNEW!”

She smirked.  “Knew what?”

“Jack!”

“Oh, that he’s a boy, and he’s your age, and that he’s pretty hot?  You like him?”

“Worse!  He saw me in my swimsuit!  I think he likes me!”

“But you’re hot, Lily!  Especially in your swimsuit!  Why wouldn’t he?”

I sat on my bed and put my head in my hands.  Oh no.  This week just got soooo much more complicated.  Liz just patted my shoulder.

“It’ll be fine,” she said.  “Besides, a little vacation romance never hurt anyone.”

“I don’t want one!”

“Just relax, Lily!  It’ll be fine.  Jack’s a good guy.  I promise.  You’ll like him, and not just because he’s gorgeous!”  I sighed.  I guess I’ll deal.  Besides, he is hot.

“So what about you, Liz?”, I asked teasingly.  “You got anyone picked out?”

She blushed.  “I…  I wouldn’t know…”

“It’s the front desk guy that was listening to us, isn’t it?”

She turned beet red.  “I… I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“A little vacation romance never hurt anyone,” I said, a little mockingly.

“Truce?”

“Truce.”

I called Sabby a few minutes ago.  She was positively bouncing.  After she told me Beth had one of her jealous fits again and Sabby had to set her straight, she said that she was going to get me piano lessons and this time she didn’t care if I wanted them or not!  And she was going to find a piano too!  She loves piano.  She can only play it a little bit but she really wants to see how well I can play!  I guess I don’t mind.  It’s a part of my schooling, and I had to do some music classes anyway.  And at least I don’t have to deal with the frustration of starting from scratch, like I do with Japanese.  I’ll have to relearn all the terminology though, I forget what everything’s named.  Everyone at the Smith house is heading out tomorrow but at least Sabby and Beth will still be reachable if needed.  I guess Sabby and Beth are going up to Dallas for a monster shopping or at least mall walking trip, and Beth’s getting a makeover too.  Sabby’s not made of money but I bet at least a few bags will be in the trunk on the way home.  I hope it helps with their bonding. I can’t wait to see Beth’s new look!

I didn’t tell her about Jack.  I don’t think I could.  Oh no, yet again.

I’m not going to apologize to Beth though.  I’ll never, ever apologize for who I am.  Sabby taught me that a few days ago.  She said “never be afraid to say no” but it’s the same thing, don’t you think?

Liz and I are going to brush each other’s hair now!!!  Till tomorrow!!!  Love you all!!!  ❤️

This diary entry is part 19 of 32 in Lily's diary dated 05 - November 2021

Hi!  It’s me!  Lily!

Two days!  Can you believe it?  I’m soooo excited!  I’ve never even been out of state before – that I can remember, anyway.  I’ve never been on an airplane, that I can remember.  I’ve never been to Disney World, that I can remember.  I’m not just excited to go to Orlando, I’m just excited to make a memory.  I have so few of my own.

People don’t understand.  They take their memories for granted.  They remember things – good things, bad things.  They know who they are.  They even know their name!  How precious is a name?  I mean, I did get to choose mine, but a name is a gift that someone gives you when you’re born!  I don’t know what mine is!  It makes me sad sometimes.

Even if I were to choose to keep “Lily”, at least I’d know what my parents wanted me to be named.  That means something.  Don’t you think?

I imagine it’s easy for all of you readers to forget that Lily isn’t my real name.  Well, I guess it is legally.  And it’s what everyone calls me.  But I chose it.  I had to name myself, because no one else knew.  That’s such an awful thing.  I think so, anyway.  No one else knew.

But this isn’t a time for sadness!  I’m going to make a memory next week!  Maybe lots of memories!  Liz told me that her cousin has a little sister and she’ll be there too.  Maybe we’ll get along too!  Liz has a kind of smirk, though, when she talks about her cousin.  I wonder why.  Is she a little weird?

Tomorrow I’m going to work, then tomorrow night I’m going to make sure everything’s all packed up.  The flight leaves at 8:15 AM so we have to be there early!  I mean sooooo early!  I may not even sleep!  But it’ll be worth it!  Sooo fun!!!  Liz tells me we’re just going to relax on Sunday, and then on Monday comes the fun stuff!  YAAAAY!!!  I can sleep!!!

Oh oh oh…   I mentioned that a potential friend for Beth was coming over today!  Yeah, that worked.  NOT.  The family was nice enough, the parents were, well, parents, there was a boy about David’s age and they actually kinda hit it off, but the girl was kind of a prissy… umm… I mean…  she wasn’t very nice.  She was not bad looking for a fourteen year old, blonde hair, pretty face, and attitude for ages.  Beth mentioned she liked science and reading and Little Miss Priss said “Science?  Ewww!  Are you a nerd?”  Well, as you can imagine, that was pretty much the end of that.  Dave and Sabby and the parents got along pretty well, but Little Miss Priss was a dud.

She started on me, though.  Told me that I was weird for being adopted, that kind of thing.  I just looked at her and told her I may be weird, but at least I don’t make people hate me just by opening my mouth.  Her parents kinda smirked, I guess they know.  But they didn’t say anything.  I guess that’s why she’s Little Miss Priss.  It was a little awkward after that.  I guess David has a new friend, though.  That’s a good thing.

After they left, Sabby looked a little embarrassed.  Beth just looked at Sabby with the most disdainful look I’ve seen on her face ever since she stopped hating me, and told her if those are the kinds of friends she wants her to make, well, at least her old friends didn’t insult her to her face.  Then she stomped up to her room and slammed the door.

Sabby looked a little more than embarrassed then.  Poor Sabby.  Good intentions backfire again.  She just announced she was going to take a bath, went up to her room, and that was that.

Truthfully, Beth kinda had a point.  Sabby might need to refine her approach a bit.  I’m not sure having a revolving door of potential new friends every Friday is going to work out too great.  But it’s between Sabby and Beth, so oh well.

Anyway, I’ve got to work tomorrow.  Since I’m leaving on Sunday, Liz isn’t staying over tonight.  I guess Beth and Sabby leave for whatever they’re going to do on Monday or Tuesday, and same with Dave and David going fishing.  Hope they catch lots of fish!  Fish is tasty!  Especially when Sabby prepares it!

Fish is one of the few things you can’t put chocolate on!  Ewww!

Anyway, I’ve got to sleep.  Love you all!!! ❤️

 

This diary entry is part 18 of 32 in Lily's diary dated 05 - November 2021

Hi!  It’s me!  Lily!

Three days till we go to Orlando!  Yay!  I can’t wait!!!  I hear the airports will be really busy on that weekend so we’ll have to get there early!  Sabby’s helping me to figure out what to pack – I can’t take too much but lots of light summer clothing, sunscreen, that kinda stuff.  I hear it gets pretty warm and humid in Florida, even though it’s a lot cooler here now.  Oh, and can’t forget swimsuits!  I have that one Sabby bought me, and it’s kind of one piece and kind of not, it’s very flattering and the top will not come off!!  That’s important!  Show the girls once, shame on you!  Show them twice, shame on me!  Or something like that!!!

Swimsuits are for swimming!  Not for losing!  I want to post a picture, but Sabby’s really insistent that I don’t.  Maybe I can figure something out.  We’ll see!!

So things have been quiet in the Smith household. There’s some political or legal thing going on in Wisconsin, and things are just a mite bit tense.  I don’t know what it is, and I really don’t want to know.  I hate politics!  It’s not because they’re not important, and it’s not that I shouldn’t care, but people just get so worked up about it, and for what?  You speak up when you need to speak up, you vote when you can vote, and generally things will just take care of themselves.  Why get all worked up about stuff you can’t control?

But then I was found in the middle of the election zoo last year, so maybe my views are a bit warped.  All I’ve ever seen is the mess.  It’s normal for me.

Liz is looking forward to Orlando too.  She got a new swimsuit too.  It’s a little more revealing than mine but not much – her parents are pretty strict about that too.  She doesn’t really like it but she accepts it – it’s their way of caring.  But we’ve been talking back and forth about what to pack, and it’s hard to decide!  I wish we fit each others’ clothing, but we don’t, so we just have to make do.  Honestly, she and Beth are more alike in physique than she and I.

So I have schoolwork to do – Sabby’s really been laying it on because next week is a week off and she wants to make sure I’ve learned everything I need to.  Extra sessions with teachers and all that stuff.  But it’s okay.  It’s a lot of fun stuff to learn!  And I’m getting better at Japanese too!  I know enough to know how much I don’t know!

Anyway, gots to go!  Love you all!!!  YAAAAAAY ORLANDO!!!! ❤️

This diary entry is part 16 of 32 in Lily's diary dated 05 - November 2021

Hi!  It’s me!  Lily!

So I think the drama’s over now.  For the most part.  I have had to do a lot of thinking and I guess I’ve been a little more moody than usual, because Sabby bought me a big chocolate shake.  You know how she says chocolate fixes everything?  I guess it doesn’t always.  But I still drank the shake!  And I did feel a little better.

Letting chocolate go to waste is a crime.  Ignore those puddings in the trash over there.  You didn’t see anything.

Beth seems a little shaken too.  I don’t think she realized what a bad influence her “friends” were.  Apparently they’d been doing stuff like that.  I don’t think Beth ever had to take a dare quite like that, but they really didn’t know when to stop.  Apparently her friends have already kissed boys!  I mean, really!  They were younger than Beth!  We did ask Beth during the game (she chose “truth”) whether she kissed a boy.  She turned beet red and said “I’m not sure”.  When all the giggling was over, we asked what she meant.  She answered, “Does the cheek count?”  Liz and I agreed that it really doesn’t.  After all, I kiss her forehead all the time, and that doesn’t count at all.

We begged for details but she wouldn’t spill.  All she’d say was she was dared to and didn’t go any further.  Apparently this wasn’t the first game of “truth or dare” she’d played, and, well, no wonder Sabby was annoyed.  But I’ll let Sabby extract that info if she wants.  Not my business.

Liz told me that we’d be meeting some of her family in Florida.  They’re coming to Disney World too.  Not quite a family reunion, but they haven’t seen each other in a while.  Apparently she has a cousin who is about my age.  Might be fun to make a new friend!  Liz wouldn’t tell me her name, though.  They haven’t talked in a long time, and she just mentioned her in passing.

Speaking of Florida, we leave in five days!  Sabby’s really fussing now.  She’s got plans on plans on plans, she told me she expects to be able to chat with me every night and wants me to tell her everything that happens, and she’s really being a mama bear.  Finally I had to tell her that I’d be fine, and to let me have fun.  She wasn’t too happy with that but seemed to realize she was being a little overbearing, and backed off just a little.   Only a little.  Sabby gonna Sabb.

Beth is still grounded, and no one’s told me what she and Sabby are going to do.  But I’ve had my own problems.  Sabby has been calling around church trying to set up outings with families that have girls about the same age as Beth.  Apparently, Beth is going to have new friends, and they are going to be Sabby-vetted.  I guess I can’t blame her.  Beth doesn’t seem too enthused, but oh well.  I’m sure Sabby knows what she’s doing.

Oh I forgot to mention, Allison lost her big game. I know, right!  So sad.  But you know what?  She got to whack the ball and everyone cheered.  Sometimes you lose something, but you get memories and experience out of it.  Next time she’ll whack the ball harder, and maybe even win!  There’s always a next time.

Oh oh oh I promised big news!  I set up subscriptions on this site!  They’re free, and they’ll let you see some things that I don’t want little eyes to see.  Nothing awful, but I try to keep this site safe for little ones by default.  If you sign up, well, you’ve been warned!

Okay.  That’s done.  Whew.

I must go now.  I have schoolwork to do.  Just because next week is a vacation doesn’t mean I get to slack off!  So math and science and all that stuff, here I come!  YAAAAAAY!!!  Oh and Japanese too!  YATTAAAA!!!!!!!!  Love you all!! ❤️