Month: April 2022

Hi!  It’s me!  Lily!

MARIE CHEWED MY SHOES!!! GRRRR!!!!!

I won’t lie.  I was pretty upset.  I scolded her, and she at least had the decency to look guilty.  I told her no and put her in her crate for a time out.  She wasn’t happy but maybe she’ll learn NOT TO CHEW MY SHOES!!!

Dogs have no impulse control at all.  Kind of like boys!  Well, that’s not fair.  To dogs.  hahahaha!  Sorry Jack!!!  I’m kidding anyway, Jack has maddeningly good impulse control.

So, umm, life with Marie.  Lots of picking up poop and throwing things and getting things chewed and I wouldn’t have it any other way.  This evening I took a nap and there she was, a cuddly ball of fluff.  How sweet.

But other things go on than puppy stuff, right?  I guess.

I’m still a bit depressed, I guess.  but life goes on.

Love you all!!! ❤

Hi!  It’s me!  Lily!

SABBY GOT ME A PUPPY!!!

OMG and it’s so cute too!

She told me that she was sick of seeing me mope around the house so she was going to give me something to take care of.  And, well, I have a puppy now.  I told her that that’s great, but if she expected me to be the only one to take care of it then she should have talked to me beforehand.  Maybe she got the puppy for me, but it’s a family member and everyone gets to share.

She agreed.

But it’s CUTE!!!  It’s a little fluffy thing!!!

I…  I named it Marie.

And here’s the silly thing.  The thing I don’t understand.  She knew the name.  Her little ears stood up and she ran over to me and licked me!!!

Sabby did tell me that I go for runs in the morning so I can take her with me.  I don’t know if she can keep up, but I guess we’ll give it a try, and she does have a LOT of energy.  She loves to play.  In fact, that’s all she does.  Play and sleep.

But damned if Sabby wasn’t right.  I feel better when I’m playing with her or cuddling with her.  Maybe I just need something to take my mind off things.

Cat…  isn’t a very happy camper.  Lots of spitting and hissing and scratching.  But Sabby tells me they’ll get used to each other and be best friends in no time.

There’s a crate in my room for her to sleep in at night.  I guess I can see that.  Dogs can get into a lot of trouble when everyone’s sleeping.

Love you all!!! ❤

Hi!  It’s me!  Lily!!!

I know I’m usually a happy, cheerful girl, but I’m kind of not happy and cheerful right now.  Yeah, I know.  I haven’t been happy and cheerful all week.  Ever since I had that “dream”.

I realized today that I’ve had very little control over anything in my life.  I know, I know, I’m a teenager and teenagers usually don’t have control over a whole lot, but it seems worse for me somehow.  I only remember after I was found, and I’ve had almost no control over anything.  I didn’t have control over where I was found, who I was sent to, what school I went to – nothing.  Sure, Sabby asked me if I minded being adopted, but maybe they would have anyway.  That wouldn’t have been my choice either.  I didn’t even kind of have a choice about Jack – I mean, yes, I could have said no, but everything about me wanted him so badly that there was no way I could have said any more no than I did, even if I had wanted to, which I didn’t.

I didn’t (as far as I know) have control over whether I lost my memories, and now I don’t even get control over whether they stay lost.

I just feel like I’m bouncing around from one thing in life to another with no way to change course until I hit something.

What do I get to say “no” to?  What do I get to say “yes” to?

I guess more than I think, but not a whole lot.

I just…  sigh.

I wish Jack were here.  I just want to feel something.

Love you all!!! ❤

Hi!  It’s me!  Lily!!!

Ummm.  I didn’t write last night.  I don’t want to write now.  But here I am.  I guess it’s important to write even when I don’t feel like it.

You know how usually the girls come over on the weekend and we have fun and play games and make a girl pile?  Well, not last night.  I didn’t feel like it.  Crystal and Diana did come over to spend some time with Beth, but I just kind of stayed in my room.  I wasn’t really hungry but I guess I ate something, then I went into my room and, I dunno, played on my tablet and stared at the wall.

I didn’t invite Liz, but she came over anyway.  Damn her.  She came to my room and just kind of sat with me.  She’d try to talk but I didn’t want to talk.  What was I going to say?  I might get my memories back after all and I don’t want to?

Liz is…  not a cuddly girl.  I don’t know if it’s her culture or how she was raised or her personality, but she has to work to be cuddly.  But last night she…  she told me to get into my pajamas and she crawled in with me and… just snuggled up to me.  Kind of like a nice-smelling dog (I’m not saying she’s a dog, but.. you know what I mean).

And I just started crying.

I couldn’t help it.  I didn’t want to.  Liz isn’t the kind of girl you cry in front of.  But… but just wrapped my arms around her and pulled her tightly to me and just sobbed.  And…  she didn’t say anything.  She didn’t try to make it better, she didn’t try to soothe me, she… she was just there.  She wrapped her arms around me and stroked my hair and… and just let me cry.

And sometimes that’s all you need, is for someone to be there.

I love Liz so much.

But that’s why I don’t want my memories to come back!  I have a family now that loves me and I love them!  I have a best friend who will cuddle up to me and let me ugly cry!  I have a sister and a brother and other sisters and my life is good!  I hate that I might find out that my life wasn’t all that good!  And… and will I be able to keep them?  Will my memories coming back mean that I’ll remember things that might get in the way of what I have with them???

I don’t WANT it!!!

Easter is tomorrow.  Sabby told me that it’s supposed to celebrate the death and resurrection of Jesus.  It’s one of the holy days that she celebrates.  And…  and I’m glad I have to work tomorrow.  Because I know she’d make me go to church, and quite honestly, I’m not in much of a mood to deal with that right now.

After I got home from work today Sabby came up to my room and we talked.  A lot.  She had me snuggle up to her and stroked my hair, and told me that no matter what I learn, no matter what I remember, no matter what, I’m still and will always be her daughter.

I cried again.  Life’s not fair.  But sometimes all you need is someone who wants to help make it fair.  Right?

I guess.

I love Sabby so much.

I’m not quite as depressed tonight, but I’m still depressed.  I guess I’ll get over it.  Until the next revelation.

No one’s coming over tonight, but Beth is making a mini-pile with me.  We don’t do that often but sometimes one of us just doesn’t want to be alone.  I love her so much.

Love you all!!! ❤

Hi!  It’s me!  Lily!!!

I’ll be honest.  I’m a little depressed.  I don’t know if you noticed last night, but I am.  I didn’t feel much like talking.  I still don’t.  It feels a little like my world is being uprooted, right when I was starting to feel okay with everything.

Honestly, it rather hurts.

But, on the bright side, there’s a new episode of Dave’s favorite British TV show tonight!!!  TASKMASTER!!!  Dave loves it.  When it dropped, he put it up on the TV.  He said “you don’t have to watch it, but let me.”

I watched it with him.  It was pretty funny.  Especially when that lady told Alex to stop talking.  Hahaha!!!

I really don’t know if it was a dream.  I don’t.  But if it wasn’t… well, not really anyway… does it mean they’re dead?

Is that why I have the trust fund???

I…  I don’t know what to do.

Love you all!!! ❤

Hi!  It’s me!  Lily!

I’m…  umm…  I don’t know, today.  Marie. A little dog.  Seems like such a little thing, right?  When put up against my entire childhood?  But…  but it’s all I have.  That and Emiko.  I remembered something.  A little dog.  Named Marie.

But what do I do with it?  I can’t make the memories come back.  And even if I remember Marie, what happened to her?  Did anything happen to her?  Is she still alive?  Was she ever alive?  Or was it just a really realistic dream and I’m making too much out of it?  Am I just hoping that I got a memory back?

I was just getting used to the idea of never getting my memories back!  I was just getting used to it, and then drip drip, out comes a possible memory, and now I’m thinking about it again!  It’s not fair!  Nothing’s fair!  Either just let me live my life how it is, or not.  But not like this!

Lycoris Radiata.  Spider lily.  Death and rebirth.

I…  I just don’t want to, tonight.  Anything. I’m going to bed.

Love you all!!! ❤

Hi!  It’s me!  Lily!

Last night I had… normal dreams.  I don’t remember them.  I don’t usually remember my dreams.  I think that’s one reason that dream was so powerful.  I remembered it.

If it weren’t for the Lily, I’d think it was just a dream, but that Lily came the same day.  It can’t be a coincidence!  Can it?  How would that person in Washington know about the dream I had?  That… that makes no sense.  Something’s weird.

I keep remembering the look on her face.  Such regret.  Whatever happened, she truly regretted it.

Do I want a dog?  I keep remembering Marie.  Why named Marie? Does that mean anything??

I have so many questions!  And no answers!

I talked to the psychologist.  She didn’t seem too concerned about the content of the dream itself, but she did seem concerned with how it was affecting me.  How do I feel about it?  About maybe, maybe, actually remembering something?

And the truth is, I don’t know.  What good does it do me to remember?  I keep asking myself that.  I like what I have now.  What will remembering fix?  What will it give me that I don’t already have?

I guess if I remember, I’ll find out.

I keep looking at that lily I got yesterday.  It’s beautiful.  And something about it…

Love you all!!! ❤

Hi!  It’s me!  Lily!!!

I had a dream last night.

I dreamt that I was in a house I didn’t recognize, and a woman I didn’t know was sitting next to me.  She was pretty, a little stern looking, dressed very professionally.  The house was spotless and very nice, but had an air of sterility to it.  Like nothing was to be touched.  A morning sun was filtering through the windows, but other than blue sky, I couldn’t see what was outside.

“Yuriko,” she said, sadly.  I could see a tear in her eye.

“Who are you?”

She frowned.  “I…  I don’t know.  Maybe that’s not important here.  But I know who you are.  You’re Yuriko.”

“No, I’m Lily,” I said, puzzled.

“No,” she shook her head vigorously.  “Yuriko.”  She frowned.  “And it wasn’t supposed to be like this.”

“What do you mean?,” I asked.  This was getting weird.  A small dog hopped into my lap, panting.  I absently scratched her.  Her?

“It wasn’t supposed to be like this,” she repeated.  “I… I’m sorry, Yuriko.  I’m so sorry.  I wish I could take it all back.”

“Take what back?,” I asked.  I absently scratched Marie on the head.  Marie?  The dog is named Marie?  How did I know that?  I looked down and said “Marie?”, and her tail started wagging.  Marie, I guess.  She licked my hand.

“What?  What are you sorry for?”

A crystal tear ran down her face, and fell off her chin.  She pulled something out of seemingly nowhere, and handed it to me.  It was a red spider lily.  Perfect.  Seemingly made of iridescent glass, but soft to the touch, like a real flower.  I looked at it, and I looked at her.

“Do you know?”, I asked, tears starting to well up in my own eyes.

She nodded.  “I know.  But I can’t say.  I’m not allowed.  But…  but I had to tell you.  I’m sorry.  I’m so sorry, Yuriko”.  She took my hand.  “I’m happy for you.  I’m glad you found a family who loves you.  Better than we could.  Better than we did.”

My mouth dropped open.  “You – You’re -“

She reached a hand up and stroked my cheek.  “I don’t know if I’ll be allowed to talk to you again.  I love you, Yuriko.  I always did.  And I’m sorry.  So sorry…”

The dream started to fade, and I started to scream.  “NO!  DON’T GO!!! I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS!!!”

But then I woke up.

Oh no.  Oh God.  Oh no.

I ran over to Sabby’s room and knocked on her door.  “Sabby?  Sabby?  SABBY!!!”  i could feel the tears starting to form, and I couldn’t hold them back.  She opened the door, and I launched myself into her.  “Sabby, I… I… I SAW HER!!!”

But I lost my words right then and just started wailing.

Sabby took me downstairs so I didn’t wake everyone else up and just held me while I cried it out.  “Sabby,” I hiccuped, “I had a dream.  I saw her.  I don’t know who she was, but I saw her…”

“Who?”

“HER,” I said.  “I think she was my previous mother.”

“She… your…”

“Yes!  Oh Sabby it was a nice house and there was a dog named Marie and she was kind of plain but pretty and she kept telling me she was sorry and she loved me and… and… and she gave me a red spider lily!  Kind of like the one Jack gave me! And she said it wasn’t supposed to be like this.”

“Do you remember her?”

I frowned.  “No.  But I remembered the dog.”

“We’re calling the psychologist in the morning.”

I nodded.  It only made sense.  It was a small memory.  Just the dog’s name.  But it’s the first memory I got back.  The only memory.  A dog named Marie.  If it’s a memory at all.

Sabby finally took me back to bed, but I couldn’t sleep.

And…  and it got weirder!!!

Because I got a package!!!

And when I opened the package…  it was from that person that sent my the information for my trust account!  And… and… IT WAS THE LILY!!!

OMG!!!

It came with a note.

“Lily, this has recently come into my possession.  I can’t tell you how I got it or where it came from.  But it belongs to you.  And you should have it.”

And that’s all the note said.

It was a beautiful lily.  The one Jack got me was beautiful, but this one was far more beautiful and far more intricate.  It seemed to shine with a light of its own, but it was just reflecting and diffusing the light.  It came in a little but extremely fancy box and I was almost afraid to take it out.  It wasn’t quite soft to the touch like the one in my dream, but it was just as intricate and beautiful.

A lily.  A red spider lily.  Lycoris Radiata.  And a dog named Marie.

OMG.

We called the psychologist and damned if she didn’t clear out her schedule for me, we’re talking tomorrow.

Love you all!!! ❤

Hi!  It’s me!  Lily!!!

I’m sad.

Emiko and her family went to the waterpark this morning, and i guess the girls had loads of fun.  Well, of course they did!  It’s a waterpark!  Anyone who doesn’t have fun at a waterpark is a silly billy!!!  They smell like chlorine now.  Which isn’t a bad thing!  Chlorine smells like fun!!

Anyway, after they got done at the waterpark, they came over here, and that was about the time I came home from work.  It was a nice enough time.  I think Emiko has accepted me as part of her family (well, she’d kinda better) and Bill seems to have at least come to terms with my existence.  He even offered to show me some stuff on how to make this site better!

But every time I see Emiko, I think of what might have been.  No, she’s not a better mother than Sabby.  I mean, the fact that she gave me up automatically makes Sabby the better mother, because of the two of them, Sabby never gave anyone up.  At least as far as I know.  But she’s a different mother than Sabby.  Sabby expects a lot from us, but I wouldn’t really call her strict.  Emiko is pretty strict.  She has high standards for her children and expects them to meet those standards, but she’s not mean about it.  She’s kind of like Liz’s parents in that regard – Aika and Mika have things they have to learn.  Like they have to know Japanese (they’re actually pretty fluent, unlike me!), they have to study hard, and learn a musical instrument.  I think Emiko is secretly a little proud of me because I can play the piano, even though I have no idea how I know how to!  And she’s impressed that I know as much Japanese as I do!!! But… how different would life be?  How different would life be if she hadn’t given me up?  Or if whatever happened to my “other” adoptive parents hadn’t, well, had whatever happened, happen?  I feel like my life just kind of happened to me, and it could have been so different.  Maybe not better, but…  different.

I love Sabby!  But… but would I love Emiko?  Like I do Sabby?

I don’t know, because she never gave me that chance.

And that’s what really hurts the most.

She’s really trying.  I really appreciate that she’s trying.  She wants to rectify her mistake with me.  And I appreciate that too.  I really do.

But it was a big mistake.

And, deep in my heart of hearts, I’m not sure I’ll ever truly forgive her for it.  I know I said I do.  And I mean to.  I want to.  I won’t hold it against her.  But can I actually do it?

In happier news, we set a date for going to Japan!!! I just hope the virus doesn’t screw that up.  I think when I’m there I might call myself Yuriko Nakamoto.  Not because I want to take the name, but…  it just seems to make sense, right?  I have to practice how to say it.

Love you all!!! ❤